Nothing in our culture, not even home computers, is more overrated than the epidermal felicity of two featherless bipeds in desperate congress.
Quentin Crisp

I'd rather have a cup of tea.
Boy George

When I hear Charles' steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes. open my legs, and think of England.
Lady Alice Hillingdon

It has to be admitted we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unsatisfactory place to have it.
Malcolm Muggeridge

Did I sleep with her?  Not a wink, Reverend Father, not a wink.
Brendan Behan

This morning I woke up with Miss Givings.
Ken Dodd

Sexual intercourse is like having someone else blow your nose.
Philip Larkin

I would be greatly in the debt of the man who could tell me what could ever be appealing about those damp, dark, foul-smelling and revoltingly tufted areas of the body that constitutes the main dishes in the banquet of love.
Stephen Fry

Sex is like supermarkets - overrated.  Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little at the end.
Shirley Valentine

Sex, on the hole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish.  If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.
Julie Burchill

A lady does not move.
Lord Curzon

It's an extraordinary way of bringing babies into the world.  I don't know how God thought of it.
Winston Churchill

The way to tell if a man is sexually excited is if he's breathing.
Jo Brand

So I kissed Lucy, and was very surprised to feel her tongue pop out.  It was my first real snog and I loved it.  You can imagine that I fell in love instantly.  Sadly the next year Lucy developed distemper and had to be put down.
Hugh Laurie

As soon as I get home I'm going to rip my wife's bra off.  The elastic is killing me.
Roy 'Chubby' Brown

He was a womaniser - as opposed to a woman who does this, who is not a maniser, but a right old slapper.
Jo Brand

Show me a man who loves football and nine times out of ten you'll be pointing at a really bad shag.
Julie Burchill

By the time I'd finished with her, she was like a blancmange after a children's party.                                                                     Swiss Toni

I thought a femme fatale was a dead French woman.
Bob Monkhouse

The greatest discovery of the age is that women like it too.
Hugh MacDiarmid

If I was the Virgin Mary, I would have said no.
Stevie Smith

I'll wager you that in ten years it will be fashionable again to be a virgin.
Dame Barbara Cartland

I was a convent girl and didn't lose my virginity until I was 21 so I had no knowledge of sex at 20.  At 30 it was getting better, 40 a bit better, 50 good and 60 terrific.  In fact, I might do a sex video.
Anne Robinson

A woman told me she would fulfil my ultimate fantasy for £100.  I asked her to paint my house.
Sean O'Bryan

They're known as the Belgrano Sisters on account of the number of sailors they're been down on.
Peter Kay

The trouble with orgies is that you have to spend so much time holding your stomach in.
John Mortimer

It's probably easier to come out as a member of a satanic abuse ritual than to come out as a celibate.  People seem to think that there's something wrong with you if you don't indulge in these frothy, squelchy activities.
Stephen Fry

Impotence in old age has not been a problem.  It's like being unchained from a lunatic.
George Melly

What is wrong with pornography is that it is a successful attempt to sell sex for more than it is worth.
Quentin Crisp

NEXT SUBJECT:  COURTSHIP & LOVE