Sent to me on the 8th August 2011

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
 

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were charging £70!
Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
 

Saw my mate outside the doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
 

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
 

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
 

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
 

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking doctor’ – I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”